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Urgent! Mitt Romney Needs New Hair!
by user DNL Mitt Romney is concerned -- that his hair is too damned perfect. In order to help, we've put together a few campaign-tested hairstyles for Mr. Romney to test out. We ask that you make the call as to which style the former Gov should adopt. The Perfectionist Should Romney stay with the status quo? Maybe. But probably not. In 2004, Kerry/Edwards went with the motto "a place for every hair, and every hair in its place!" Their perfectly coiffed hair couldn't lead them to victory in Ohio, Florida, or even Missouri, home of the similarly well-coiffed Dick Gephardt (even if his hair is thinning a bit). Saturday Night Fever The picture, below, is allegedly of Al Sharpton. We can't confirm that. But the "black power-meets-disco" 'do really wonders if this man should ever -- ever -- be considered for public office. Shit, if you put Flavor Flav in a time machine and ordained him, you'd probably get this guy: And seriously -- "Flavor Flav, 2008" just doesn't do it for me. Who would be his running mate, Pee Wee Herman? Gary Coleman? Ted Kennedy? Forget it. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer This one is untested, and Romney may want to give it a go: What do I mean by "untested"? Al Gore has never had a beard while a candidate. He only does it during the off-season -- you know, while he's picking up Oscars and Nobel Prize nominations. Conclusion: It'll probably not work. The Cue Ball Popularized by Dwight D. Eisenhower -- one of our first TV-era presidents -- the strong, bald look can certainly get you votes. However, Eisenhower probably didn't choose the bald look -- maybe he did, being one of those military general types -- and as a man with hair, it'd be an affront to all my balding brethren if Mitt (what the hell kind of name is that, anyway?) were to take a razor to his scalp. And besides, John McCain already has the balding vote wrapped up. Crazy McWalnuts Speaking of John McCain, what about going with a batshit lunatic look? You know, kind of like our 6th... no, wait, 8th? 7th? ... one of those ... anyway, kind of like one of our first ten Presidents, Martin Van Buren: Van Buren was clearly not a TV-era president. Dear lord, how did this man ever get elected? And can someone buy his estate a comb? Or even a Flobee. Ye gods. An aside: Van Buren gave us one of the best words ever -- "okay". :Because he was born in Kinderhook, New York, Van Buren was nicknamed Old Kinderhook, and the abbreviation proved eminently suitable for political slogans. That same year, an editorial referring to the receipt of a pin with the slogan O.K. had this comment: “frightful letters … significant of the birth-place of Martin Van Buren, old Kinderhook, as also the rallying word of the Democracy of the late election, ‘all correct’ .... Those who wear them should bear in mind that it will require their most strenuous exertions … to make all things O.K.” (source) Who knew? I mean, other than me. And more importantly, why did I know that? Oh, yeah, I'm crazy mcwalnuts. Ah, Just Go With a Wig That guy above? It shows it can work. Maybe it'd be a bit too phony for Romney to, you know, claim he's George Washington or something, but he could probably claim to be John Adams or someone else who kind of sucked. Nevertheless, we're advising against it. One of his competitors has, uh, already gone to wearing wigs... yeah.... wigs... Ladies and Gentlemen, this woman may be your next president -- if we can't find better hair for Mr. Romney. Your nation needs you. Now. __NOEDITSECTION__ Category: Opinions Category: Opinions by User DNL Category: February 28, 2007 Category: Mitt Romney Opinions Category: Republicans Opinions Category: John McCain Opinions Category: Al Gore Opinions Category: Al Sharpton Opinions Category: Rudy Giuliani Opinions Category: Republican Opinions From The Opinion Wiki, a Wikia wiki. From The Opinion Wiki, a Wikia wiki.